Yesterday evening I attended an event put together by the people at Hendricks Gin. Whilst you may think that this can only have been an excuse for a knees up, it actually served a valuable public service. You see, there has been much said about the dangers of 2012, what with the Mayans failing to carry their calender on beyond this year, but the real danger has been much less reported. Yes gents, 2012 is a leap year! This means that on February 29th (next Wednesday, remember to be prepared) your lady friend has the permission of the gods to ask for your hand in marriage.

Should such a whim befall on your significant other, I am afraid to tell you that it must at all costs be rejected - after all, proposing is the job of the man - but how can you possibly reject the proposal without also ending your relationship (presumably not an intention)? This was the basis of the Hendricks School for Scoundrels that I attended last night.

Since this blog is open to both sexes, I do not want to give our secrets away glibly. However, some advice seems necessary. The first line of defence is to anticipate said proposal and ward it off before those four words are uttered. A quick role play:

Lady: Darling, we’ve been together for years and I adore you. I wanted to ask you, will…

Gent (turning quickly to the barman): Good sir, another gin!

You see, you have managed to ruin the mood without causing direct offence. One nil. Other more advanced techniques were also demonstrated, revolving around the principal of lifemanship.

Be forewarned though, concurrently as we were learning how to avoid unwanted nuptials, ladies were learning at the School for Nuptial Conquest. Many wooing techniques were advised to the ladies and it brings me pleasure to forewarn you of some of these here:

• The swoon. Your lady will mock-faint into your arms, thus empowering her into forcing you into a position of servility by arresting her fall.
• The handkerchief. Beware a dropped hankey, when you bend down to retrieve it, there could be a ring hiding inside that she will pluck out and loudly proclaim “I do!” before a crowd of onlookers.
• The wear-down. She will ask a number of questions to which the answers will all be yes: “Another gin darling?”, “Would you like a back rub?”, “Do you want me to let you watch the match in peace?”. But be careful, for after a while she will slip in the proposal and catch you unaware.

 Go forewarned into the fray my friends and remember that next Wednesday you should be on your guard.